Sheldon's Gift: The gift that keeps on giving! A shocking tale of
by SheldonRocks55
Summary: A down-and-out Leonard looks to his roommate for support and comfort. What he gets in return shocks him. Sheldon is known for his kooky and obtuse behavior, but in recognizing this decides to give back to Leonard in his time of need.


_Sheldon barges into the apartment with a large bag- the contents of which are unidentifiable to the audience. Leonard is standing in the kitchen and gives him a look._

LEONARD: Sheldon do you have something that you want to say for yourself?

 _Sheldon looks from right-to-left and then left-to-right while clutching his bag_.

SHELDON: Um you mean like, bazinga?

 _The audience breaks into laughter as Sheldon holds a deadpan expression and Leonard rolls his eyes._

LEONARD: Well maybe you could be a little more courteous when coming into OUR apartment. Just barging in here… Don't you know that a little bit of manners here and there never killed anybody?

SHELDON: Well in the 1800s it was considered a deep level of respect and the highest of mannerisms to declare a duel in which two men squared off with handheld pistols. The pair would take several paces apart from each other before turning around and firing at one another. Often resulting in a death. So, when you say a little manners never killed anyone, I say, think again… sir!

 _Crowd bursts out laughing. Leonard rolls his eyes and swings his head in a rolling motion._

LEONARD: Sheldon is there anyway you would be able to take something someone says not so literally?

 _Sheldon's eyes gravitate towards the ceiling and his eyebrows raise as he contemplates the correct response to Leonard's question._

SHELDON: Theoretical physics is very much a science based on hypothecated assumptions of the natural universe. Many of these simulations are in a sense quite non-literal but require great contemplation nonetheless. I think it a better idea that you ask questions that are more literal, so that my answers please you.

LEONARD: Now just what the heck does that even mean?

 _Leonard is pleading and flailing his arms._

SHELDON: It means if you want to say something, you ought to just say it, rather than pander me with your silly questions you quintessential blubbering oaf! I'm not your run of the mill simpleton.

LEONARD: Fine then, I'll just say it! I am your roommate and colleague and I demand that you show our shared space the respect it deserves! And I don't mean in a few hours or days, I mean now dammit!

 _Sheldon is shocked by how straight-forward Leonard is and this results in his jaw dropping._

SHELDON: My goodness Leonard if you hadn't been staring directly at the ground as you said that I would have almost been impressed by your brashness and authoritarian tone.

LEONARD: SO does that mean you're going to start giving our apartment the respect it deserves?

SHELDON: Bazinga!

 _Leonard is about to scream and start in on Sheldon, but before he gets a chance to open his mouth, Sheldon cuts him off._

SHELDON: … Leonard before you start foaming at the mouth I wanted to tell you that I got you something that I heard you asking for in your sleep! Something that I think you will like very much.

LEONARD: Are you watching me sleep?! Sheldon, I told you to stop doing that!

SHELDON: Are you listening to me Leonard? I got you something. Don't you want to see what it is?

 _Leonard gives into Sheldon's insistence and sits down on the couch that faces the live audience. Sheldon sits down and holds out the plastic white bag that he's been holding on to since he came into the room. Sheldon starts to hand the bag over and right as Leonard reaches over Sheldon yanks it back at the last second._

SHELDON: Nah uh-uh! Not yet sonny boy. First, I want you say the magic words.

LEONARD:Please?

SHELDON: Try again, sweetie.

LEONARD: Richard Feynman?

 _The crowd attempts to laugh, but most do not understand the reference._

SHELDON: Bazinga.

 _Sheldon slowly hands the package over to Leonard. Leonard can't help but notice Sheldon's hands are stained a deep-red colour. The package is heavy in his hands and has an ovular shape._

LEONARD: Oh boy I'm so excited, just what could it be?

SHELDON: Shall I start a list of physical things that could fit favourably in the dimensions of the plastic bag or perhaps it would be quicker to instead investigate the bag itself and not squander time thinking about hypotheticals?

LEONARD: Oh, slow your horses.

 _A small bead of sweat rolls down Leonard's forehead and his glasses begin to fog up. As he reaches into the bag he feels something that cannot be mistaken for anything other than human hair. He begins to tremble, and his horror is brought to life as he holds the bloody and battered head that once belonged to his roommate that lives across the hallway._

SHELDON: Well do you like it? I always hear you going on about the neighbour girl. Well, now she's yours! You can hang her on the wall if it fancies you!

 _Bile rises to the top of Leonard's throat. He is both frightened by Sheldon's cold gaze and the inexplicable horror of a head separated from it's body. Right as he's about to speak, Raj quickly enters the apartment without knocking._

SHELDON: Geez Raj, have you ever heard of knocking?

 _The crowd laughs and claps. Raj is about to respond to Sheldon, but then sees Penny's decapitated head. His eyes grow large and he runs over to the phone. The crowd gasps thinking Raj is going to call the police. But it turns out that the phone is close to the liquor cabinet and he is just reaching for a bottle of Vodka. He takes a long pull from the Smirnoff bottle and then begins to speak._

RAJ: Sorry, I was… uh…. thirsty?

 _The crowd starts to laugh at Raj's comment for two reasons. First being, that he apparently cannot speak in the presence of a woman whether she is alive or dead without being under the influence of alcoholic beverages. And secondly, because he does not acknowledge the fact that Leonard is holding a decapitated human head._

LEONARD: Take it easy buddy. Go into my room and grab my Star Trek inspired intergalactic space battalion. Sheldon's gone insane. He killed Penny.

RAJ: Oh, I thought maybe she was just having a bad hair day.

 _The crowd bursts into laughter and Raj takes another long drink from his bottle. Sheldon gives Leonard a discerning look about his comment questioning his sanity._

SHELDON: I've done the math Leonard. It is a statistical anomaly that a woman of Penny's disposition at her age would ever biologically seek your traits in a male partner. This was the only way technically speaking that you would ever derive any intimate pleasure from her is if she is no longer living. Something I know you desperately seek but lack the courage to execute such a plan. So I did this …..a favour, for you! Because we are besties.

RAJ: Ahh, I wish I had a bestie! But Leonard is right Sheldon. You can't just go around killing people. I'm going to have to dial 9-1-1.

 _Raj begins to reach for the phone._

SHELDON: Fools! Fools!

LEONARD: You're going to jail for a long-time boy genius!

SHELDON: For what? Creating a 99.7% accurate human replica of a human head? It's fake you bumbling boob. I was going to wait until after you had sex with it before I told you but clearly you are too hell-bent on seeking justice.

 _Raj puts down the phone and shakes his head. He looks at Leonard and they both start to crack up._

LEONARD: Oh, Sheldon you really got us good. Wow, how were you able to get her facial features so accurate?

SHELDON: Well, I *may* have used a 3-D radioactive scanner on her upper extremities while she was in a Xanax-induced coma, so she wouldn't wake up in the middle of it. Also, I had a lot of help from our mutual friend, Thomas. He's a great artist and made sure the wig would seem ultra-realistic!

RAJ: Think he could build me a 3-D girlfriend?

SHELDON: Sure, I don't see why not.

LEONARD: Well I think I need a few moments alone with my Penny head if you guys catch my drift.

 _Leonard jumps off the couch and runs into his room and slams the door. The audience hears the door lock. Raj comes and sits beside Sheldon on the couch._

RAJ: Hey Sheldon, if that Penny head was a fake- then why are your hands all red?

 _Sheldon looks down at his hands._

SHELDON: Well after a lot of scrubbing and washing it's been a heck of a time trying to get that bitch's blood out of my hands.

RAJ: Wait, what are you…

 _Before Raj can finish his sentence Sheldon violently pulls Raj's head back by grabbing his hair. He pulls a sharp knife out of his pocket. He skillfully swipes the sharp edge of the blade back and forth across Raj's jugular. The blood begins to spurt out onto Sheldon's face and he douses himself in Raj's blood._

SHELDON: There can only be one my sweet little Raj. Leonard is mine.

 _Raj slumps over dead on the couch. There is knock on the door. Sheldon knows it is Howard._

SHELDON: Just a second, Howard! I'm just tidying up the place.

HOWARD: Well hurry up these Mountain Dews aren't going to chill themselves!

SHELDON: Oh, yes. Well we are all just *dying* to see you.

 _The camera slowly zooms in on Sheldon's icy glare and the background fades into blackness. There is only muffled audio, but we can hear a scuffle and Sheldon's war cry and the audience (although not positive) has a pretty good indication that Sheldon has claimed his next victim._ **END**


End file.
